In a field where there are so many conflicting theories, approaches and viewpoints it can feel daunting to understand what psychotherapy is all about and how it actually helps. Whether at infancy, learning how to crawl, or adulthood, learning what it is we want in a career and life, we are constantly involved in our own evolution and growth, and psychotherapy is designed to be a catalyst for that growth. I will use my personal story to illustrate an example of how I feel psychotherapy can transform and heal. read more…
Here is great article outlining the ten aspects of a healthy relationship. I agree with the central point in this article, which is that communication is key. When couples are unable to know and understand where they are at with their partner the bond in the relationship can feel unstable. By being able to clearly communicate our needs, hopes, fears, and desires, our partner can more readily respond to us. I know I am making this sound easy, and that communicating our needs to our partner can sometimes feel like we are talking to a brick wall, but communication and understanding is ultimately the key foundation to any healthy relationship. The more we can have our partner understand, the more we feel seen, appreciated, and heard. Hope you enjoy the article.
In our love relationships security and trust are the foundations to feeling at ease and secure. When those things are comprised either through, stress, illness, an affair, or other traumatic event it can leave us in a tailspin. In response to the disconnection and uncertainty we can “act out” in certain ways. We can become very needy, angry, distant, or any and all of these in order to elicit some type of response to engage our partner again. To have them give us the feedback that they still care and our with us.
How We Get Triggered In Relationships.
With all this in mind it is easier to see how a flirtation at work party with a coworker while your partner is present, or a extended time away from your partner, can create fear and uncertainty that can trigger our needs for closeness and reassurance from our partners.
Couples Can Learn To Attend To Each Other’s Attachment Cues.
By learning the triggers that elicit feelings of insecurity with your partner couples can better attend to one another and their needs. Much of the time it isn’t a rational process that takes place, but rather a more primary emotional response to what the person perceives as a threat to their relationship. So, in order to counteract this perceived threat the partner could simply remind their partner, through eye contact, genuineness, kind touch, that they are still with them. That the attachment and their bond together are secure. This can be so fast, and so powerful in addressing the fear and uncertainty that is driving the “acting out” behavior.
When We Feel More Certain In Our Relationship Our Anxiety Diminishes.
If one can address the fears and anxiety through meeting their partner in emotional responsiveness, the perceived threat of the relationship and distress will diminish. When that anxiety and fear about the relationship and the strength of the bond diminishes both partners are able to feel more available to other endeavors in their lives. Knowing that their primary love relationship is secure. This knowledge is almost like a home base, or foundation of sorts, that make for partners in healthy relationship to feel more confident about themselves and their lives.
Blame and how it is used in relationship is shown here in this great video by Brene Brown.
why we blame in relationships.
Often times in our intimate relationships we can get caught in blaming our partners for the problems of the relationship. By being able to see why we blame we can better understand the deeper emotions behind our behavior with our loved ones. Hope you enjoy.
This Ted Talk Follows the work of Esther Perel, and her examination of why even people in happy couples cheat. Much of the time what happens, as she describes, is that we have a longing. This longing reflects a longing for a different experience of ourselves. We can become entrenched in patterns of being with ourselves, our relationships, and the way we are in the world, that can impact us in how enlivened we feel in our day to day existence. Esther Perel showcases that if we can address the underlying desire that fuels our behavior towards infidelity, that we can recapitulate ourselves to a more enlivened sense of ourselves, thus negating the need for any affair with another.
Right now it is raining in California, outside my home, and while the roads are slick, and the skies are grey, the rain and weather in general is such an incredible reminder for us of our every moment connection to something larger than ourselves. read more…